MacGuffin Schlock Shelf – Shark Swarm

Schlock Shelf – Shark Swarm

Shark Swarm starts with a group of fisherman dumping barrels of what I assume is something toxic into the ocean/bay. The fish are eating this toxic stuff and then a shark swims up and eat the contaminated fish. Flash to an awful montage of CGI sharks eating the fish, then a larger shark eating that shark, and so on (while the opening credits are flashing on the screen). Ridiculous start to the film.

Apparently the fishing crop has been at an all-time low. Hamilton Lux, played by Armand Assante, has come to the rescue and bailed many townspeople out (by offering to buy out their failing fishing business so he can build on their former property). Bo Duke pops into the local marina to buy some gas for his boat, and randomly one of the bad guys who have been dumping toxic stuff into the water also drops in to buy a huge amount of gas. Obviously, that raises some eyebrows.

Meanwhile, the sharks begin to attack divers. And swimming instructors. The bad guys are making more plans to take over the fishing industry in the small bay that they all live in. And the sharks are getting more and more aggressive. The sharks knock some small fishing boats around until the crews eventually fall into the water and get snatched up.

Hamilton Lux—savior of the city—is doing what he can to avoid the EPA, and a bunch of marine biologists are trying to figure out what’s going on. There are also students learning about the wildlife in the area and being shown the new aggressive shark species, as well as the polluted samples of water. The EPA agent is doing what she can to investigate the fish oddities, but she ends up at a local bar trying to grab a bite to eat and she runs into the local professor, who hits on her.

These out of town surfer boys roll into town and hit on Bo Duke’s daughter. She appears to be interested, so she keeps showing up where he’s surfing. And now Hamilton is trying to get at Bo Duke’s wife (Darryl Hannah). Bo Duke is trying to figure out how Hamilton is involved in this whole thing. He goes to the city leadership to ask why they’re not suspicious of all Hamilton’s interest in development.

The film is clearly made for television, since there are painfully obvious spots where commercials were meant to go. It’s quite terribly acted, but not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. However, the CGI in the film is kindergarten stuff—I don’t know why these CGI “artists” continue to have work. Quit doing it until you can do it realistically. As you can see, this CGI aspect of the movie (as usual) enraged me. Even the fancy additions of F. Murray Abraham, Darryl Hannah, John Schneider, Armande Assante, and Willie C. Carpenter from The Wiz couldn’t save this film.

blankblank (2 out of 5 fus)

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